Monday, 1 July 2013

Preface and Index

Update 01 July 2013

I wrote this blog at the end of 2009, in an effort to order my thoughts in attending the Alpha Course.  I hope it will prove an interesting insight to anyone thinking of doing so themselves.  Whilst the picture overall catches me in a state of some existential flux, it's fair to say it was a worthwhile endeavour, but not for the reasons that the course organisers might originally have intended.  What follows is my original preface to this blog, penned in October 2009.  I have included sequential links below it, to allow a more intuitive reading experience.

I hope you enjoy reading it.

James



Hello there.
I started this blog primarily to record my musings on the Alpha Course, run by Kerith Community Church that I attended on Wednesday. It was the first session in a series of ten, and was held at Costa Coffee in Bracknell.
From looking around the web, there were precious few accounts that I could locate which recorded the kind of thing that happens in a reasonably neutral tone. There seemed to be a fair few rabid and militant atheists, and equally rabid and insistent Christians, neither of which really sheds light on the events and intentions and techniques of this course. As such, over the next few weeks, I will endeavour to record my own thoughts and feelings as honestly as possible.
There are, of course, some problems extant with this approach - I'm not a Christian, I'm not an investigative journalist, and I'm not trained in theology. Nor am I entirely an atheist - my stance is difficult to sum up in a neatly labelled package. However, to re-iterate, I will record my thoughts and feelings as faithfully as possible, in the hope that these will inform and assist anyone out there who is considering attending a course, for whatever reason to come to a conclusion either way.


Index


Friday, 4 December 2009

Alpha Summary & Feedback


This section is really intended as a summation of the course and a response to a paper version of the feedback form I was given at the end of week 9.
I think it's worth concluding things on a personal note and pointing out some of the limitations of this account.


If you're new to the blog and would like to start reading from the beginning, please use the links on the right hand side to travel back in the mists of time to week 1, October 2009!

At times, I think my blog will be difficult or frustrating reading for some people, and I find that regrettable, though I'm not moved particularly to apologise; it has always been an honest record, and I hope accurately reflects my feelings at various times.

There were obviously some difficulties in recording these views as a blog - as I've mentioned before, most of the people I refer to have had their anonymity preserved. The exceptions are those who were those who are employees in some capacity of the church (their names could be pretty easily obtained from a cursory search of the Kerith site).
Also, there is a sense that despite my best efforts at balance, I may have summarily failed to provide it. Not least because this is necessarily a monologue - everything recorded here is through the prism of my own experiences.
I also didn't want to reveal my blog to anyone before it was finished in case it compromised that balance or that I started writing for a specific "nominal" audience, meaning that opportunities for reply by those who attended were non-existent in effect.

Despite these limitations, I hope this is a balanced, honest and interesting read for those considering the course. Some of the content is necessarily Bracknell-orientated, and it's worth noting that it's highly unlikely your own experience will be quite the same as mine given the variables at work. Nonetheless, I hope it's of some use to the casual reader, not least with respect to the content.

On that note, here's my personal feedback in response to the sheet provided:

Why did I decide to do the Alpha Course?
To me, there was a huge swathe of the country I live in who go to great lengths to worship an invisible being. If that doesn't pique your interest, then I guess you're either already one of them, or totally disinterested in the world around you. I suppose on a basic level I had questions too, which I hoped would be answered or at least the underlying assumptions confronted.


How much did the Alpha Course meet your expectations?
It met some expectations - the expectation for debate, investigation and discovery - to a certain extent. It intermittently delivered the kind of course I had expected and wanted, but rarely gave complete satisfaction. The root cause of this deficiency was the number of Christians that had decided to attend. As (generously) one of three people attending the course who couldn't be described as Christians, this left a good 60-70% of the time simply spent watching the vast majority of attendees agreeing with one another. If the small group of agnostics and "waverers" had not been there, I wonder what kind of shape this course would have taken.

Were you able to attend the Away-day? If yes, what were your thoughts about it?

When you started the Course, how would you have described yourself in relation to Christianity?
I wanted to find out more.

How would you describe yourself now in relation to Christianity?
I want to find out more.

Has the course:
a) Helped you to understand the process for becoming a Christian?
Yes
b) Led you to change your ideas about Christianity? If so, in what ways?
I am not sure it has in all honesty. It's put me in touch with "good Christians" - people who were kind, patient and likeable. It also introduced me to a couple of people I basically never want to see again. So in that sense, it's not that much different to any other social gathering! In terms of Christianity, it's helped me to understand why I feel the way I do rather than change that directly - in some senses it's just defined my position more clearly rather than undermined it as such.
c) Helped you in any other ways?
It gave me a forum to express my own ideas, and my own questions, albeit less frequently and in-depth than I would have liked.

What did you enjoy most about the Course?
The genuine enthusiasm the leaders had for the material, and how down-to earth many of them were. I enjoyed the cut and thrust of the debate, when it happened, and I enjoyed learning. It was messy, annoying, challenging, absorbing and totally human with all the faults that entails.

What did you enjoy least about the Course?
All of these issues are described in-depth elsewhere in the blog, but....
  • The venue - hugely limited.
  • The ratio of Christians to non-Christians.
  • The rather lax timekeeping (occasionally a bit annoying, but not altogether a bad thing as it gave time for relaxed discussion prior to the course starting)
In what ways do you think the course could be improved?
The Costa Venue.
It was sometimes just plain uncomfortable. It was routinely difficult to hear what was being said, and in essence it was ill-suited to what I needed from the course - a venue for discussion. I understood that it would be "less threatening" to non-Christians, but by the end of the course, I was probably the only one that fitted that description in its entirety, and I'm certainly not intimidated by church buildings anyway. The insensitivity of the staff (who, fair enough, had work to do), was sometimes a severe obstacle. At several intervals, key points of the discussion were interrupted by people carrying mops, emptying bins, or once asking loudly if anyone needed the toilet as they had to go and clean it.
I also honestly think that holding an "Alpha for Christians" would be a good idea based on this evidence. I am still stumped as to why there were so many there at this "introduction to Christianity".

Do you have any other comments about the Alpha Course?
Yes...! This blog!

Was the Alpha Course worthwhile?
In short, yes. Whichever angle you approach it from, it will force you to rationalise and explain your opinion. Being challenged is healthy, for an Atheist, an Agnostic, a Christian or even Jewish people, as I saw in my particular course.

My overall score depends very much on what you want out of the Alpha Course. If you attend expecting a deep theological discussion, it's probably not going to suit. If you want to go along, filled with indignation and anger at Christianity, I also wouldn't recommend it, but I don't think that would necessarily stop you. If you want a relatively gentle introduction, with some nice people in a non-threatening context, then go for it. Much depends on the dynamic of your particular group I suspect - different people will give a very different atmosphere, and I can only speak for my particular one.

Overall, I would give this Alpha Course a 7 out of 10. Not so lightweight as to be a waste of time, nor so in-depth as to be totally impenetrable to anyone. It was delivered with enthusiasm and sincerity, and without exception, the team members were approachable and sincere.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Alpha Course - Day Ten - The Finale

A cosy and compact meeting was tinged with a little sadness as we convened and then bade farewell to Alpha for the final time. It's true that I have come to regard some of the characters from the Alpha course as friends, and a few I very much admire as people (perhaps more than as Christians). It's amusing me now to think of my initial preconceptions, being totally unprepared for this course, and to compare them with the reality. I hope to summarise more effectively in a later post, but for now, it makes sense to focus on this last segment of actual content.

The theme was "What About the Church?". On paper, this was one of the least controversial sessions, a kind of cherry on the top of a cake that was at times too difficult to fully digest and at others entirely unappetising. My first thoughts were that the church was merely the sum of its congregation. That much was easy to relate to and easy enough to accept, and as it turns out, I wasn't contradicted by what was going to be covered. Prior to the course starting, I took the opportunity to take a quick scan through the provided booklet. There's not much contained in it to be honest; it's largely a heavily condensed list of themes, appended with bible references, but it's nonetheless a good starting point. I knew from the off that the emphasis would be on the idea of the church being "people" first and foremost, but there was some very odd imagery employed to make the point. On top of all that, there was also an insistence on "unity" being all-important.
This latter point struck me as very interesting. When all things are considered, the protestant arm of the Christian church has been shattered into many smaller pieces time and again. Individual creeds such as Presbyterianism, Methodism, Mennonite, Anabaptist and myriad others have all chosen to concentrate on different, and occasionally opposing aspects of Christianity. In the face of this diversity, attempts at "unity" are tempered by an absolute conviction that your own beliefs are correct. To overcome this, Simon Benham (the leader of the Kerith church, and the speaker last night), introduced the concept of a "tiered" approach in effect; that "core beliefs" are separable from the less important, peripheral beliefs. These were defined, afterwards, by Lee as belief in Jesus Christ (this is surely a unifying theme for all Christians), adult baptisms (which means that the Kerith differs from some denominations but not others), and the idea of the Holy Spirit being a current, real and powerful entity (as opposed to other denominations which believe that it was a temporary phenomena or restricted in direct relevance to the disciples). The latter was not unexpected certainly; the emphasis on the "Holy Spirit" has been palpable throughout, not least in the away day, which was a "Holy Spirit extravaganza" comprising three sessions devoted entirely to the subject.

The speech was interesting, though I suffered an inkless pen about half-way through which meant my notes are sadly incomplete. From memory, there were three key elements. The first was Simon's testimony - how he had found God. As my opinions of this sort of thing have been covered at length, I won't expand on them here. That's not to say that this was dull or even pointless; it served as a primer for his "Christian credentials" well enough, which seems a natural preface to the rest of his speech. The second phase was employing imagery to describe the church, as envisaged in the bible. The idea of "ekklesia" - the Greek word, simply "a gathering" - which in turn applied to "the people of God" was the first theme. Then there were other images; the idea of the church being the "Body of Christ" and even more dubiously the "Bride of Christ". The former was fair enough - the idea, first expounded by Paul - that the church embraces the uniqueness of people, their different gifts and their different talents, thus taking different roles as the different parts of the body do, to make a functioning whole (though I am not sure how far you can extend that metaphor). The latter - the "bride of Christ" - is a frankly bizarre analogy. I can't really understand why this was employed as a metaphor - it seems uncomfortable that the "people" that comprise the church are being prepared for holy wedlock with Jesus himself. I think perhaps the idea of a bride doesn't merely conjure the exceptional beauty, purity and perfection commonly associated, it also conjures the image of at the there being some kind of odd celestial "consummation" involved. Maybe that's just my unfortunate perception. The third segment related to the necessity of participating in the church - that Christianity was best demonstrated in action, despite the emphasis on the written word. Again - fair enough, depending on what that action is, and who exactly it involves.

However, the realisation soon dawned that the Kerith church has its own "creed", or its own agenda depending on your viewpoint. This was something I really wanted to seize upon. Much of the talk afterwards was taken up with some rather pointless praise of the Kerith over other churches, stating how exciting and fresh it was, with accusations levelled of the standard CoE church being "staid", "fusty" and boring. This seemed judgemental to me, and as the only intermittent church attendee, and quite possibly the only non-Christian present, I found myself completely unable to join in with the fulsome praise. I don't dislike the Kerith at all - I think it's a group of well meaning people, who generally do good things for many people. Great. But to elevate it above another church seems arrogant. They're all supposed to be worshipping the same God after all, and by denigrating these small or traditional churches, they cheapen themselves in my opinion. It's almost a symptom of the "corporatisation" of religion that these churches are being seen as "competitors" rather than complementary "allies" to the Christian cause. If the 'small things' really don't matter, then is it necessary to mock the dwindling congregations of these "castles" quite so much?

As a result, the "core beliefs" I asked about were outlined, as above, and I asked about how these were arrived at, and how these could be reconciled with a wider idea of "unity". The "tiered" approach was all very well, but to me it seemed that there was a constant air of compromise about things. Moreover, if there was no agreement about what was really the "true", God-intended approach, then this can only be divisive. There are surely only so many times that cracks can be papered over with agreement on the basics. Wars and murders have been committed throughout history over incredibly trifling religious details to modern eyes - how was it that this sudden insistence that it "doesn't really matter" was arrived at now after 2000-odd years? The much mooted "relationship" with God will no doubt be said to be the core, but there seems a schizophrenia between having your own, personalised relationship (there's no way you can "adopt" anyone else's), but at the same time insisting on sharing, and communing together inside a structure which rejects and accepts certain ways of expressing that relationship, all against the backdrop of the bible which again states pretty unequivocally some very specific laws which in time seem to have come to be considered "optional".
It seems the message is to have your own relationship with God according to someone else's rules, and make sure you do it the way the bible says (selectively interpreted) at the same time.

More was said at this point about how "exciting" the Kerith was. I asked whether this excitement was a good thing - whether something was lost with this insistence on the atmosphere, the youth-orientated way of communicating. In a round-about way, I asked whether this was evidence of dumbing down, whether style became more important than substance. In defence, Lee stated that the process was more about communicating in a relevant way, and he pointed to the fact that some of the older hymns found their origins in "pub songs" of the day. I think this comes down to whether you think the relentless march toward "ease" and "accessibility" is a good thing or not. It seems to portend a future of grown adults spent sitting around chuckling inanely at "Mr Men" books while they're spoon-fed mulch by a robot, if you follow it to its logical conclusion. That's not purely a Christian issue, but one faced by decadent western society in general I suppose.

I couldn't muster much enthusiasm for a drawn out discussion, and there didn't seem much danger of it happening anyway, so I was content to listen for the most part.

Much was said about participation, coming back to the "body of Christ" analogy - that people were fulfilled by participating in things, specifically by "serving" in the church. Again, fair enough, I don't have any particular issue with that, apart from when people are excluded for spurious reasons I suppose. I think participation in a range of things is character building, and it is indeed a noble thing to offer help to others. No arguments here.

The session inexorably trickled to a close, and we ended with a "round robin" with our thoughts about the course as a whole. By this point I had about 15 seconds left to speak in before they locked us all into Costa, and as much as I might have enjoyed that opportunity, I had work in the morning.
When it came to my turn, I simply and honestly said:

"I'm wiser now than I was when I started".

And on that note, the Kerith Community Church Alpha Course Autumn/Winter 2009 closed, with some warm farewells and lots of handshakes. I'll miss a few of the people, and I'll miss the routine of Wednesday night challenge and counter-challenge, of researching and yep, even the little bit of anger, self-righteous indignation and annoyance I sometimes felt.

Tonight - a poignant 7 out of 10.

Monday, 30 November 2009

Alpha Course - Day Nine

So the course trundled into the penultimate session, entitled "Does God Heal Today?". A sparse attendance seemed to indicate a general disinterest or exhaustion with things. At one point, at around 7.20pm, there seemed a genuine danger that I would be the only person present, among eight or so, that wasn't affiliated to the church in any way. I was starting to feel that things would be boiled down to the bare essentials - the combined arms of the Christian soldiers trained on me, the sole "disbeliever". All of the paraphenalia of creating an inclusive and politely moderated "discussion" would be abandoned and we'd just grapple and flail wildly, smashing eachother other the head with bibles and "The Origin of the Species". I don't know what conclusion I can draw from the attendance dropping off - attrition was always anticipated I think.
The course clearly hasn't been designed purely for me, but if I'm the only one left, then everything that happens is essentially for my benefit only. Fortunately a few more familiar faces attended a few minutes later which allayed these fears for the time being, but next week perhaps it really will be a case of me vs. the Christians. An enormous panel interview for a job I don't want.

This was a controversial week. The conviction was that God can heal, does heal, and moreover does it in some kind of demonstrable way. Yet again, the issue I found difficult was the fact that people's "experiences" of these things are generally meaningless in a wider context. This was an intensely difficult week in which to articulate these feelings in front of an audience with an overwhelmingly opposite view. People were there awash with first-hand experiences which were both entirely real to them and which they essentially considered hard evidence that God's healing worked. Moreover, they had an emotional investment in believing it - family and friends had been "healed" and they maintained that they had witnessed this power directly, with their own eyes.

In a similar way to the "trilemma" of CS Lewis (see Week One), these experiences and "testimonies" left us only three options according to the speaker - that he was a liar, that he was insane or that he was telling the truth. This was again hugely disingenuous I think. There are many more options than this - that he could be deceived through no fault of his own, that he could be mistaken, that he could be witnessing nothing more than a coincidence, that the power of suggestion and not the power of God was at work, that the "placebo effect" could be the underlying reason, that the person who claimed to be ill was actually nothing of the sort - there are many factors that could be at work here, and the tactic of compartmentalising my approach for me (the inference that I am either calling him insane, a liar or therefore in a tortured leap of false logic have to accept he's telling the truth) was actually quite irritating. I wondered how often on other courses, people who were more inclined to surrender or suspend their disbelief had simply ended up "going along with it" for fear of upsetting people.

For me, the key point to this is that reality is a point of view. My reality is mine alone - the other attendees inhabited their own. There's no "bridging" possible with experiences that weren't shared. That's not to suggest the others were in a "dream world" or living a lie, any more than I am applying that diagnosis to myself - it's merely accepting the fact that you can't adequately recreate the circumstances which led you to believe something, or ask anyone else to believe those things, based on your own experiences alone. Bridging those realities, however eloquent and poetic you might be as a speaker, is always going to be problematic with something as "mysterious" as faith. Even a persausive speaker cannot convince someone (or more pertinently me) that these are real things. No doubt there's a stock Christian answer to this - that we can't individually prove "air" is there, or as someone said in a previous week, we can't directly prove that we have a "brain" (the idea being that there's no visible evidence of either and that we "choose to believe it", ergo we should apply this "leap of faith" to God as well).
It's entirely true that we can't, in isolation, prove these things without a great deal of equipment and expertise. But we have a system of logic, pure, cold logic called science which operates on a series of basically accepted assumptions, which stand up to scrutiny. Science welcomes being tested. It thrives on it and loves it. God doesn't. The comparison ends there.

In any case, I'm getting slightly ahead of myself here. The speaker was a young, trendily dressed guy called Liam with cool hair and who was as thin as a rake. Essentially he was just like me. Jealousy aside, he was enthusiastic, clear and unperturbed by the usual Costa obstacles that hinder the "talks" at this venue. He started with a bit of background - how he had been brought up a Christian in a Salvation Army household, how he had found another calling at the Kerith church and how he had followed that instead. He talked us through, in by-now familiar fashion, how he had become a Christian, recounting his experience at a summer camp at 13, how he had been "weirded out" by some of the more evangelical aspects, but how he had felt a "physical presence" sit next to him and then physically embrace him, which had cemented his future as a Christian. He felt he was called to be a "youth pastor for life" and that this triggered an absolute certainty that God loved him. This set up his credentials for the rest of the speech, which was basically a list of his experiences of "God healing people". Having established previously in this entry my issues with these testimonies, this was nothing more than a long list of things I couldn't believe or relate to. They ranged from Liam praying for the healing of a man with a lazy eye, someone with a broken finger, people with athsma and a person with an injured knee from falling off a skateboard. He went on to say that sometimes his prayers weren't answered, and gave the example of the time he had unsuccessfully prayed for someone with an abnormal curvature in their spine.
In retrospect I don't just find this unbelievable, I find it slightly insulting. The idea that God will intervene and help someone out with a broken finger in Bracknell because someone prays for it, but the prayers of people who are simply starving to death in the third world go un-answered as a consequence of "free will".

Also, Liam made a link between his own "healing rate" and how well he lived his life and emulated Jesus (whose healing rate was naturally 100%). He stated that everything Jesus did in the bible is "repeatable" by someone with the same amount of faith or the same "relationship with God", but that we all fall short of that "gold standard". I find this insistence that we're all imperfect tiresome. I know I'm not perfect. I don't see that as a motivator to embrace something with no evidence. The Christian God demands something that is clearly unrealistic. Not satisfied with us throwing ourselves at his feet now and again, he also demands of his creation levels of behaviour which we are clearly not designed to be able to meet. And as the argument goes that God himself created us, then he turned out a faulty product. A product that wasn't fit for purpose. That pocket-watch in the middle of the desert analogy, so beloved of creationists? Well it strikes me there's an extension to it.
If you did find that pocket-watch, and it was broken, or it told the wrong time consistently, or it fell to pieces when dropped - whose fault would that be? If you wanted to bring someone to account for such unsatisfactory performance would you take the cogs and workings and flywheels to court, or would you sue the manufacturer? Who has the final authority and therefore the final responsibility? The answer is God. So it seems to me that we're constantly having to make amends for his shoddy workmanship, if you accept that he exists.

In terms of the biblical support for such healing, Liam stated that Jesus only performed healing which was in-tune and synchronised with God's wishes (using the example from John where the invalid was commanded to take up his bed and walk). I think this was supposed to indicate that the idea of healing should always be linked back to God's will, and that neatly explains why some people aren't healed - God simply didn't 'will' it that way. As such, those that can commune most closely with God and identify his will most effectively are those that would superficially appear to be blessed with the ability to heal others; the "healers" are merely channelling the will of God.
Furthermore, the key text seems to come from Matthew 10:8, where the disciples were given the command to "Go out and heal the sick". As context is so often stated to be so important when reading the bible, it's tempting to conclude this was an order given specifically by Jesus purely to the disciples rather than a generalised order to every Christian forever from that point onward. If we're to take this as the way things should be, then why is the first part of that command "Do not go out among the Gentiles" ignored? Is only part of it supposed to be applicable to everyone? On the face of it, chapter 10 as a whole looks like a very specific instruction to go out and do something at that particular time, interspersed with some general indications about conduct. As a slight digression, at one stage of chapter 10, the words command us to love Jesus more than our own mother or father, and more than our own children. At another, the town that refuses to welcome the disciples is said to be destined to suffer a worse fate than befell Sodom and Gomorrah (e.g. total summary destruction). These again are not words of love to me. In the first instance, the emphasis is on some kind of blind loyalty over and above your own family, where you should be prepared to betray or sacrifice them to appease God if necessary, and the second is purely an expression of revenge. I personally cannot reconcile either with the idea of a loving God.

The speech ended with Liam re-iterating his absolute faith that God's healing both existed and worked, and we split into loose groups, with Liam initially joining the other group for their discussion. Yet again, I was volunteered for the duties of speaking first, this time by the "wavering" lady I had mentioned previously. With genuine reluctance I stated that I felt that God was always the simplest, easiest, most straightforward response to any and all "odd occurrences", mainly because you can't contradict it/him. You just end up in a situation with one person asserting it was evidence of God, and another asserting it wasn't. That's not a solution, or proof, it's simply the absence of both - an odd kind of vacuum which precludes you from really looking at other reasons. I stated that Liam's experiences and recollections weren't enough for me to throw my hands in the air and cry that I believed them. I stated that humans are inquisitive, and they want to discover the root cause of things by their very nature (the nature that God presumably created). In a roundabout way, I alluded to the idea that something "external" like God suffices as an explanation where none is immediately apparent. That we pin all sorts of stuff on God that we can't adequately explain ourselves, because we always need an explanation or a pattern or something comprehensible in those terms - even if the explanation is that it's the intervention of an invisible deity. We can still compartmentalise that and tick our investigative boxes. The unexplained holds a mystery, but there's no particular joy in that mystery - it simply engages us to try and solve it - the mystery itself is only compelling because it invites a solution.
The response to my observations was to come back with even more examples of things I wasn't present at, can't be confirmed or scrutinized and rely totally on subjective interpretation. The various tales were offered forth, some of which I had heard before, and I listened patiently as usual. I asked what the point of prayer was if everything was pre-ordained in God's plan. The response was that "some things could change". I stated that this wasn't free will in that case - if God could change plans in response to things like prayer, then who knows how that would affect other people.
I asked if God could heal gunshot wounds - he can "heal anything" was the response.
I asked where the free will was of the person pulling the trigger - he had decided by his free will that the other person should die, only for God to then compromise this expression of free will and heal the person who had been shot.
Incidentally, this free will was given as the exact reason that God WON'T intervene in cases where entire countries are racked by civil war or are starving to death. We're told that there's a complex network of free will at work - that those in charge have decided the fate of their countries in that way and that it's not God's fault. However, if he can heal completely, seemingly at random, or according to his own agenda, where does that leave free will? Every action has a reaction - there's an intricate series of repercussions from even small things we do in life. Crucially, it would seem that the freedom of our will does not extend to freedom from interference from God himself, which makes it far from "free" by any normal definition.

We were also told that demons could empower people with the ability to heal - this was new to me, but Lee stated there were passages in the bible where these "false healers" - people who were not Christian but could heal the sick - were exorcised by the disciples. So it would seem that healing isn't even exclusively a "Godly" thing, that non-Christians can be healed, that it doesn't work all the time, and it can't be measured or proven. This seems to me essentially a description of Father Christmas.

I asked if there had been occasions when prayer hadn't worked. Liam stated that there were many - that he fell short of the "100% success rate" of Jesus himself.
I used the comparison of a dice roll, stating that if I rolled ten 6's in a row, it wouldn't mean that I was magical in any way, that this was just a demonstration of the nature of chance.
If I stood next to 100 ill people and flipped a coin each time, the correlation between those who were going to get better (heads) and not get better (tails) wouldn't be too different to someone praying for them I asserted. The conclusion being that no-one has built an altar to a coin.

It was put to me as things wound down that I valued empirical fact and needed to be satisfied intellectually before any "sensation" or "experience" counted. In some ways that's true. The only way I could embrace Christianity would be through a combination of suspending disbelief, and ignoring the parts I find totally abhorrent. Then I am only lying to myself, and any 'embrace' would be hollow.
Lee and the wavering lady then exchanged a short conversation, in which it was implied that some prohetic words were spoken between them. This was interesting but felt a bit like eavesdropping to be honest; from what I could tell, Lee had said something to her at the away day that was startlingly accurate or prescient. The lady had taken this image away with her, and it had caused a great deal of tension for her at home, up until the point her husband had returned from going out for a walk and said quite unexpectedly "I feel like I need God right now". Resisting the temptation to make a joke here, and knowing a little bit about her, this seemed genuinely uncanny. No-one pried, and as such, I sat back and listened to them talk with no real insight as to what had happened - it all seemed rather cryptic. On some levels I was jealous that I hadn't had any prophetic words. No-one had told me that the colour purple and the number 6 were going to be important in the coming week. Slightly flippant, but all the same I couldn't help but speculate as to the nature of this message.

It was an interesting coda to a good, if slightly frustrating session. I'd give this one an 8/10 as we ramp up for the grand finale.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Alpha Course - Day Eight

This was prefixed by the realisation that proceedings were galloping to a conclusion now – just 3 more sessions including this week, where the stated topic was “How and Why Should We Tell Others”. It seemed this week was designed with a presumption in mind, that the events of the “day away” had sealed the deal and converted the non-believers into Christians. This hadn’t happened, and Lee conceded that although this operated from this viewpoint, it would still be an interesting investigation into why Christians felt the imperative to share, a question I’ve asked elsewhere in a roundabout way. Severely reduced numbers arrived tonight, and there were no more than around 5/6 people per group in the end. I wondered if the away day had been a final straw for the dilsillusioned Des, and that he had capitulated in the face of his frustrations or whether it was a just a one-off absence and he'd be back next week.

A long chat beforehand once again, and the 7pm start morphed into its usual 7.30pm as people arrived in dribs and drabs.
Lee eventually stood up and delivered a speech, punctuated almost farcically by the Costa staff, who are at times extraordinarily insensitive to events going on around them, faffing about with bins and carrying boxes through the seated people without any apparent realisation that someone was trying to speak. It's hugely frustrating for the listener and must be severely limiting for the orator too. They have a job to do, obviously, but it just highlights why this venue has so many drawbacks. The intention of selecting Costa as a location was to present a neutral, non-threatening, non-churchlike place that would not be intimidating to non-Christians. As it seems I was among the grand-total of about 4 or 5 non-Christians on the entire course (out of a good 20 or so attendees), and I frequently found it a hugely irritating environment. I think there needs to be a rethink here. In any case, I am pretty sure I have bemoaned the surroundings quite enough over the course of this blog, so let's get back to the actual content.

The reasons put forward for telling others - the "Why" - were encapsulated as follows:

A biblical imperative - that it was the command of God/Jesus

This is inarguable. It's a characteristic of Christianity that it is a missionary faith in a way that Judaism certainly isn't. The extension of salvation was extended to gentiles, Paul also went forth on well-documented "missions" westward, and this set the scene for over 1000 years of expansion. I spoke to Lee about the growth of the church beforehand, in response to a very interesting BBC programme currently being shown on the "History of Christianity" . We spoke about how there was an imperative to grow - the Kerith has aims to reach 2000 members, for instance. This imperative is really totally indistinguishable from corporate strategy. The lifeblood of the church is the growth in the amount of people that it embraces in the same way as the lifeblood of a major corporation is expansion in profits.
The gospel of Matthew states that "all authority is given to" Christ, and that believers should go forth and baptise all nations. The word "go" - the idea of being compelled and impelled to action, was important - it was stated that the word was used a multitiude of times by Jesus in the bible, and that it was more proof that a pivotal part of the Christian ethos was to go forth and evangelise.
The example was given of a WWII church in occupied France that was badly damaged by bombing raids. A statue of Jesus in the courtyard had remained entirely intact, except for the fact that the hands had been destroyed. The congregation rebuilt the church and did not replace the hands, drawing the poetic conclusion that in fact they "were the hands of Christ" and therefore simply placed a plaque to this effect.

That it met a "desperate need" for meaning in modern society

The example of Sinead O'Connor was an unlikely one here, but all the same, her quote was used:

"As a race we feel empty. This is because our spirituality has been wiped out and we don't know how to express ourselves. As a result we're encouraged to fill that gap with alcohol, sex and money.'"

I've spoken about this before when reflecting on the away day - that this emptiness might not have anything to do with spirituality. Did people in the Puritan 17th century feel "fuller"? The fact remains you can't eat God. You can't clothe yourself with God in practical terms. As mentioned before, if the ultimate expression of "emptiness" is suicide, Christian countries (or countries with Christianity as their "Official religion") fare far worse than non-Christian ones in terms of "suicides per 100,000 people". This might be disingenuous - not everyone is Christian in any country, and this might be more related to economic factors . But these aren't super-developed rich countries who are overwhelmed by choice and freedom, nor are they the terribly poverty stricken countries with no money or hope. The vast majority of the "top 10" are former Eastern Bloc countries according to the World Health Organisation, and the top 5 exclusively so. I am not sure if this argument really stands up, but it's an interesting comparison if nothing else. I think in the rich countries, the emptiness comes from too much choice. In the poorest, the emptiness comes from not enough, so rather than those countries between these polemics finding some kind of solace, it seems that it exacerbates that "emptiness". At the bottom line, they're different realities and this is operating on massive generalisations from both sides. Contentment can find several avenues of expression, and to put religion, and more specifically Christianity, at the heart of all of them seems bizarre.

That there was a "unique desire" to share

The desire to share was clearly, unequivocally, exhaustingly true, but not unique in my opinion. It suggests that other faiths operate in some kind of masonic shroud of secrecy, or don't bother to "reach out", where this isn't actually borne out by anything resembling a fact at all. There's not such a missionary emphasis, it's true, but that doesn't make Christianity unique in its desire to share.
This comes back to the "testimonies" of Christians, and how they can't keep the "good news" to themselves.

However, there are dangers in telling people, the speech continued.
The danger of insensitivity would point to someone recounting their experiences without heed to environment or audience. There's also a sense of fear - that the listener is immediately put on guard by the onset of anything resembling a Christian "speech" and that at times, the reverse is true - that the Christian might be cowed into not telling people because they haven't yet gauged what kind of reaction it might elicit.
There strikes me as a third strand to this - that it should actually be relevant. So often it hasn't been, when people have just stated the story of their "journeys" over and over again. To all intents and purposes they should have been surrounded by yawning atheists, perhaps even openly hostile to this endless procession of experiences that mean virtually nothing to anyone else. As it was, they only found a warm, agreeable acceptance as the other Christians simply took it as a cue for them to ready their own experiences for public consumption. This all sounds terribly judgemental - it's not meant to be, but I didn't come on this course purely to listen to the testimonies of Christians. There are thousands upon millions of books, websites, churches, videos, TV channels and every other media under the sun that would offer that. Again, in the midsts of proper sensible discussion taking place on tangible or philosophical things - the historicity of Jesus, the evidence for the resurrection, the theological basis of evil, the accuracy of the bible - I was made to feel like an outsider on a course that was ostensibly designed for people exactly like me, because people wheeled out their own testimonies at the drop of a hat. I have no testimony, and if I did, it would be totally meaningless when discussing any of those things.

That sharing represented an "enlightened self-interest"

I think this was glossed over - I am not entirely sure why this should be the case. I think this may have either been missed completely, or that my notes were rather incomplete.

In any case, the discussion moved on to the "How" we should tell people of our faith. The "5 P's" were a simple mnemonic...

Presence... "The Salt of earth and the Light of the world" - to give taste and flavour to certain situations. I am not really sure how this translates into a "how", unless the idea is that they add something purely by their presence, which I've never felt is true. I've never known whether someone was Christian or not until they've actually told me.
Persuasion... "As we know what it is to fear God, we persuade men" - the idea that Christians were ideally placed to persuade people to join them (seems rather obvious).
Proclamation... The compulsion to proclaim, the idea that someone can be "drawn in" to the ethos by the process of proclaiming. Something I find difficult to enjoy or endorse - I think there is a fine line, so often missed between proclaiming, hectoring, preaching and even ranting.
Power... Christians have the power to field questions - that God is "within them".
Prayer... "Speaking out" in the hope that something happens.

And on that note, the groups duly formed. They were tremendously compact this week, there were few people in them - my own group numbered just 6. This worked so much more effectively on so many levels. It was more intimate, we each had more time to talk, there was a freedom and ease of conversation wholly absent in previous weeks.

We started with opinions around the speech. Thomas stated that early impressions of Christians could be difficult - that if you met "the wrong sort" you could be forgiven for judging them all equally. This was an opinion supported by Lee who stated that he had been introduced just that way, via an entirely monstrous individual by the sounds of things. Then, a pivotal point; Thomas turned to me and asked if I had ever had my perceptions of Christianity coloured by just such an introduction. I thought for a while and said that I hadn't. I stated that my issues with Christianity were born mainly from the frustrations of what I interpreted as interference. That the concept of the "unequal yoke" had put entirely unfair pressure on relationships I had been a part of. This shrieking insanity is the tip of the iceberg in my experience. I stated that I deeply resented that people were passing judgement on me and my relationships externally. The last time this had presented a problem, the comment was made by quite a senior church member to a Christian girlfriend that things would be difficult but "not impossible". It's hard to properly articulate how much I resented this. No external agency was judging her, I didn't have Richard Dawkins giving me advice on how "possible" things were in my private life. In any case, Lee gave exactly the same comment, much to my chagrin.

I let it go.

I further stated that I couldn't believe the bible. I said that it was too diverse in origin, too unreliable in terms of hard historical fact. I said that much of it was written too long after the supposed life of Jesus to have any great value in that sense. Lee took up the mantle with this, stating some examples of the bible - Matthew - where the earliest examples were said to be from around 70AD. Even this, though, is based on a third text which is altogether absent (the "Q Document"). Lee stated that the documents had been "carbon dated", which immediately made me pause. I asked if this was the same carbon dating decried as unreliable by certain Christians when dating the age of dinosaurs or the earth itself. I said further that the bible didn't mention dinosaurs at all, which seemed an astonishing oversight. Lee pointed to the fact that the bible didn't need to, and anyway "alluded" to other creatures such as the dinosaur. This didn't change the fact that he was ignoring that creatures like "cattle" were not dated until long after the dinosaurs had disappeared, using the same carbon dating technology he had used to support his point on the gospel of Matthew. In any case, I again let this pass; I feel sometimes I back off too much - I don't push things through as much as I should. However, I have undertaken to write my thoughts here, which helps me to order them in retrospect. It may also present a slightly imbalanced view - it's difficult for the dramatis personae to really respond in kind as this is entirely a monologue at the moment.

I then asked why God, who was eternal, had entrusted his entire "word" to that tiny slither of eternity I mentioned before. I stated that too many of the words depended on context or a knowledge of the contemporary Jewish or middle-eastern culture to really understand. I also stated that if God had chosen the year 2000 to place his only son on earth, he would have had access to the entire world (let's bear in mind that the entire continent of the Americas was denied the "truth" of Christ for 1500 years). The bible would have been digitised and sent around within seconds. There would have been no opportunity to plead ignorance. There would have been technology - video evidence to support the claims.

The best that the assembled Christians could come up with was twofold...

Firstly, things would lose their mystery and their beauty. This is an accepted point - cold hard evidence might have impinged on that "free will" that is apparently so inalienable a right (unless God decides to intervene of course). There would be no "decision" to make when the facts were laid bare quite so starkly.

Secondly, it was stated that the return of Christ to earth was in response to God's continual displeasure at the way things were going at the time. Well, I can only wonder at this decision - there are conservatively 6 billion people in the world today. At 1AD there were 200 million by most educated reckonings. That means there are ten times more Muslims in the world today than there were people in the entire world in 1AD. If people's disobedience caused an eternal God to lose patience 2000 years ago, he must be in a state of constant fury now, surely at this mass disobedience?

I then stated that I found it very difficult to have any interest in people's testimonies in the environment of the Alpha course. I drew the comparison with me sending a postcard from Narnia. Each of them could believe that I really was "having a nice time", but as no-one would be prepared to believe that Narnia exists, my "testimony" would be entirely useless. To my surprise, there was general agreement, followed.... inevitably... by a load of testimonies.

It didn't frustrate me quite as much today. I had maybe become attuned to it, or perhaps had just found the whole experience slightly less disheartening. In any case, an enjoyable evening wrapped up with a good 9 out of 10. This was, on most levels, the best so far. A proper exchange of ideas, a small, intimate group, and some interesting areas touched on.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Alpha Away Day!

And Lo, did the congregation gather in the home of a local merchant, and yea did they discusseth the mysteries of the Holy Spirit.

The venue was very plush, the food was highly edible. The atmosphere was relaxed for the most part, and the talks were delivered with enthusiasm by the attendant course leaders. The group gathered by a roaring log burner, attended by friendly dogs. People laughed and joked and talked about football, children, work – too all intents and purposes it was an ordinary gathering of ordinary people..
But at the end came something which was out of the ordinary for me - a critical point which I had been musing over for some time. But more of that later.

We were greeted at the beautifully appointed house of a member of the local congregation, who by all accounts had made a great deal of money in the aerospace industry; the stories of his continued benevolence toward the Kerith Church and to the local community in general were substantiated here. It was a shame that the weather, a blustery squall which rattled the windows, was not more pleasant, or we would have taken the opportunity to walk in the extensive grounds. I sense that the organisers may have felt that the Alpha message might have been enhanced by being around nature and the wonder of creation. In any case, I took the preliminary time to avail myself of some pastries and coffee, and meet a few new people who were in attendance. There was an amalgamation of two groups today – the Wednesday evening session (which was the one I have been attending), and the daytime session which also meets mid-week, which I had assumed would be the sole preserve of older people and mums of young children. As it turns out, I was pretty much on the money, with the surprising addition of Steve from day 1, who attended with his wife. He had not simply stopped attending as I had assumed, but had obviously decamped to the more genteel surroundings of the church facilities in the mornings. He was joined by his wife who was South African (the third in the group, along with Thomas and Lee). I also met a few people from my session that I’d never really been introduced to, purely because I had been in different groups throughout.

Things didn’t go quite as planned from the presentation point of view. Leon had been unable to attend at short notice owing to a bout of swine flu, so the presenting duties for all 3 sessions (“Who is the Holy Spirit?”, “What does the Holy Spirit do?” and “How can I be filled with the Holy Spirit?”) were going to fall on Lee. The late introduction of Ben (a young and confident speaker – not to be confused with the more venerable Ben from week five) - saved him from a pretty heavy load. None of us knew at this time, but Lee revealed the fact that he was a tremendously nervous speaker later on – it was testament to his own abilities and determination (or from his point of view, God’s assistance I suppose) that it didn’t show at all, and in fact he gave us a very assured couple of speeches.

The emphasis was on the Holy Spirit. An entire day, in comfortable surroundings had been arranged to talk about this, on a weekend. It was hard to escape the conclusion that this was the key message, the absolute fundamental thrust of the Alpha Course, the one thing that the course structure was designed to consolidate and make memorable. This raised a few questions in my mind – why was there this emphasis on what is really only one-third of the Christian “whole”, and why were we taken away into seclusion to discuss this? I couldn’t help but fear the spectre of “speaking in tongues” which I was convinced would be on the agenda. From the Alpha documentary I had seen, there had been a specific effort to try and introduce people to this. I could only imagine the kind of averse reaction this would inspire in people like Des, and how horrendously uncomfortable it would be for those (like me) who were by nature rather conservative and who felt very ill at ease with the paraphernalia of the “charismatic” church, with its “funky hymns”, obsession with youth and Americanised approach to Christianity.
Time and again, the musty, dusty old stone buildings with their aging congregations, monotone vicars and quietly reserved characters had been denigrated as “boring”, “dead”, and generally undesirable. When I had entered the Kerith, to a barrage of loud and strident noise, whooping and hollering, shouting out directions and the general cacophony of simpering modern Christian music, the only thing I wanted was a wooden pew, a church organ and a neatly observed recital of “To Be A Pilgrim”. It jarred with me so violently that on subsequent occasions, I actually waited outside the building until I could hear the music had stopped. This is personal choice of course, and I make no claims that this is a universal truth – the music and atmosphere does seem to inspire and help a great deal of the people there, who throw themselves into this kind of thing with gusto, but it struck me that the whole thing had been designed to appeal to the senses rather than the mind, and the senses seem to me an unreliable basis for believing in Christ.

On a slightly more relevant note, something I have noticed is that the stock question when a Christian wants to know my position on their faith is to ask “where I am at” – I have heard this exact expression about 6 or 7 times now. This is not only thumping the English language squarely in the nose, it’s also dripping with that faux-“coolness” that seems so important to a youth-orientated church. It also assumes I am “at” anywhere at all.
I understand the thrust of the question, but why it can’t be asked without recourse to some kind of street patois is beyond me. It also assumes that I am at a fixed point on some kind of nominal journey – in some ways I am, everyone is, but it’s a presumption all the same.
It’s an enormously vague question, and I would rather be asked directly in a way that didn’t make me feel as if I was trapped on the set of the worst rap video in the world. It’s only a matter of time surely before they append the whole question with “dawg” and start doing that weird thing with their hands that kids seem to do these days. Anyway, I am digressing here.

So, having eaten some excellent pastries and having imbibed some refreshing coffee, we all decamped to a large conference-style, beamed annex to the main house, which was actually a covered swimming pool. Settling in, the talk began.

And they lodged there, and a preacher stepped forth….

Session 1: Who is the Holy Spirit?

Ben delivered this with the familiar strategy of “contextualising” everything, but he at least did it in a neutral way. He spoke about his girlfriend (now wife), and how he had met her on holiday, and how difficult it had been to part from her knowing that they had shared something special. The parallel drawn here was with the disciples when they parted from Jesus, and how difficult they must have found it to do so. There was a passage from John read out (chapter 14, verses 16, 17 and 18), and this was used as the basis for the existence and character of the Holy Spirit. The disciples were promised “another counsellor” and that it would be a “Spirit of truth”, one of the pivotal descriptions of the Holy Spirit which is pretty much the cornerstone of the charismatic churches, but only ever a third of the picture at best for the Catholics or the Anglicans.
So the talk went on to the nature of this spirit, and the difficult concept that despite being called a spirit (or ghost), being totally invisible and simultaneously “everywhere”, the spirit was in fact a person, with emotions, knowledge, and the ability to speak. The Holy Spirit was also said to have an equal standing to Jesus himself, which again was rather confusing given the insistence that they’re all on some level the same thing. In the subsequent group, we grappled with the idea that something which fails to meet the key criteria of a “real person” can be considered as such. I stated that it was totally contradictory – the Holy Spirit didn’t meet the key requirement that real people generally have, that they are able to be touched and seen and truth be told, I didn’t (and don’t) understand why this idea of it being a person at all is very important.
This discussion provoked a whole range of frankly rubbish comparisons. Firstly, the statement was that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were akin to steam, water and ice. All the same chemically, but in “different states”. This is a superficially neat analogy, but steam, water and ice are demonstrably incapable of co-existing all at the same time in the same space which is a pretty big hole in this as an explanation. Secondly, the example was used of someone who had died being able to be seen and touched but being “different” to when they were alive. This was a bit of a cheap shot, and required me explaining to people who had claimed to be able to speak to their loved ones on some level after they had passed on that they were in fact doing nothing of the sort. This was not something I was prepared callously to do. It was their spirit which “made them who they were” was the inference. This is another one of those circular arguments really. Dead people are different because they’re dead primarily, being able to touch and see them also happens to be additional evidence that they actually existed, along with memories and experience. A personality or “soul” is important, but only in connection with someone’s physical appearance, or at least the ability on some level to be able to actually see them.
The example of a disembodied voice on a telephone or a name on an email was used. I pointed out that I wouldn’t be entertaining a conversation with someone who insisted that they were invisible.
Then, with an air of fait accompli, an older lady presented her trump card.

“Ah but what about the wind! You know it’s there but you can’t see it!” she said nodding wisely.
“No, but nor does anyone claim you can have a relationship with it” I replied, training a torpedo of logic on her little balsa-wood boat, resisting the temptation to ask if she had ever been “full of wind” as she had the Holy Spirit.

This particular lady represented much of what I have come to distrust about certain Christians. In isolation, her arguments would fall apart, but in company that supports her opinion, she presented the textbook answers with a childish air of invincibility, perhaps knowing she’d be bailed out by fellow believers anwyay. It was as though she expected some kind of kudos from the course leaders for her pavlovian ability to squawk the vaguest but most holy responses at every challenge. Her comments ranged from “the spirit is in all of us”, followed by a long look at Lee for approval, to “we have the gift of the spirit”, followed by a long look at Lee for approval, to something like “the spirit is a dove and lives in our hearts”, followed by a long look at Lee for approval. She would interject with these little epithets during conversations where they were about as much use as a chocolate crash helmet, as if they provided unequivocal answers to everything. Losing my temper for possibly the first time ever on the course, mid-discussion with someone else, I merely turned to her briefly, acknowledged her with an abrupt “OK” as if indulging an attention-seeking child, and then ignored her and continued the point. She was the worst kind of background noise and actually made me long for the clattering coffee machines of Costa. I had nothing against her as a person I should add, lest this seems a character assassination. I am sure she’s very nice - but in this context she was just irritating.

Anyway, I am interspersing group events with the themes of the speech, so this isn’t progressing entirely chronologically but seems a good way to proceed. The speech continued to cover further elements of the Holy Spirit – how it could “possess” and inspire people, and how it was involved in the creation of the world. This seemed to me to be something that had probably been picked up and made into something far more significant than it really was by Christian reckoning. I couldn’t shake the suspicion that the idea of the spirit of God had been enshrined as something “real” because it bridged certain gaps in the Christian ethos, and had been elevated above its actual significance to complete the “trinity”. Without the “Holy Spirit”, there’d be no “God around us” after all. It neatly cements things together and brings a closeness to God that would otherwise be absent. The paucity of mention of the Holy Spirit as a specific person in the Old Testament seems to bear this out, that it was a new linguistic “device” that gave people the idea of a “gift” on earth – that they could be moved and cleansed and helped along with immediacy rather than storing the rewards in the afterlife. The Old Testament mentions really could be interpreted as just shorthand for “God’s intention”, or power, or will – that the Holy Spirit was just the same as a human spirit but divine. It wasn’t separate, or empowered with a character of its own as a “real person”, but was merely an expression of God’s personality. It was given certain characteristics and compared with certain things certainly, fire, water, breath, wind, oil – but I still don’t think this is really supposed to be taken as something quite separate from God, let alone a “real person”.
We were reminded of the story of Gideon who went from a deeply inadequate coward to the leader of a victorious army thanks to God. An army which then systematically slaughtered the Midianites. I wonder where the free choice of the Midianites lay as they were being put to death and routed by an army formed and protected by God. It seems as though God – the God of love and compassion - will see today’s suffering of millions as an unfortunate result of free choice, but in the Old Testament couldn’t help getting involved when far, far fewer people in Israel were under military oppression.

In any case, the speech ended with a reference to the “violent wind” that blew from heaven and filled each hiding disciple with incredible powers, including being able to speak in languages they didn’t know, and converted 3000 people that day to Christianity, which is not only remarkable in terms of a claim, but in terms of the specific number. Did it all just stop when it got to 3000? Or is this an estimate? Who knows.

Session 2: What does the Holy Spirit do?

Lee bravely stepped up to the plate to deliver this in Leon’s absence.
He covered firstly the idea of the Holy Spirit being an active agent, intervening and suggesting and inspiring. He linked this to the idea of “Godincidences” as he called them, and how inexplicable things could be said to be the work of God via the Holy Spirit. As Des pointed out in the group discussion, God is actually a really convenient reason for these occurrences. If you could relate all these things as God’s intervention without needing to enquire further, it meets that human compulsion to investigate and explain. It’s easier for the human mind to accept than wrangle with ideas of chance, luck, synchronicity or convenience. That doesn’t, however satisfy everyone. Not everyone can really embrace the idea that an invisible hand caused some exceedingly odd events and therefore shrug it off with a smile and a hallelujah. If the human mind was predisposed that way, then it’s tempting to conclude we would probably never have discovered the wheel, fire or anything of note whatsoever.

So the Holy Spirit was said to be a real person, as mentioned before, though failing some very big tests in both the “realness” and “person” stakes, and was said to speak to people. This latter point I am willing to entertain – obviously something inspires or speaks to people, though whether that’s in a literal sense and whether it’s God is open to debate. More interesting again was the assertion that God spoke to non-Christians through the Holy Spirit and that’s why some of the non-believers were there on Saturday. I don’t think I was there for that reason but that’s impossible to prove by Christian criteria. It’s nonsensical though – if a Christian attended a seminar given by Atheists, would that then mean that he was being moved by the invisible hand of sceptical thought? I sense not – I attended Alpha to get a rounded view of the argument. I can access atheist resources easily enough – I know more atheists than Christians. I can talk to people who agree with me any time I like. But there’s much to be said for talking to people who don’t. That’s generally how you learn.

But in any case, there were then some words about how the Spirit is the Spirit of Truth, that it gives birth to Spirit, that it was non-physical, that the idea of “rebirth” and “revolving” were important, especially when manifested by baptism. There was also a nod to the idea that it was different for everyone – using the analogy of an art gallery and how some people felt things were real or significant for them personally, but that they were incomprehensible for others. That’s fine as well, I don’t judge anyone much, as long as things aren’t demanded of me personally that I am uncomfortable with. The idea was that we were reborn into God’s family, and just as the new-born child is messy and needs cleansing, the Holy Spirit performs this function on us too like some kind of midwife for the soul.
Lee went on to say that the Holy Spirit makes us aware of our weaknesses. I picked this up afterwards in the group discussion and asked him if it simply helped us to come to terms with the fact that we have weaknesses, or if it actually undertook to “cure” us of them. The answer was a kind of fudge of both, and I think he anticipated the direction I was taking, the idea that the Holy Spirit can “cure” us of our weakness, and as our weakness is manifested in sin, it would seem that the claim is that the Holy Spirit can “cure sin”. I don’t know if that’s a disingenuous conclusion, if so it’s not deliberate. I just wondered if the Holy Spirit had ever “cured” anyone of homosexuality. Like Ted Haggard. He had some pretty serious weaknesses, but he’d commune with the Holy Spirit on a regular basis. Turns out it didn’t cure him at all. Sadly, I didn’t get to broach this subject for various reasons. We were told that God loves us all the time, whether we’re good or bad or indifferent. But again it’s a conditional love. It’s not the love of a father for his children, because there are conditions attached. The much mooted “relationship” with God was summed up pretty disastrously by one of the group leaders. She compared it to having a big brother (presumably Jesus) who always got into trouble for the things we did. If I was 11 years old, I’d probably find that hilarious, but when you’re a grown man, you frankly find it astonishingly unfair. I don’t want a relationship with someone who takes everything out on someone else for things I’ve done wrong. That’s not a desirable person to have a relationship, that’s an unhinged bully by any sane measurement.

There was then some talk about joining an “amazing family” via the Holy Spirit, possibly meaning the congregation of wider Christians. There are some great people, people I admire very much indeed who are Christians, and some that I have no time for whatsoever. But what I would say is that this “family” does not have a significantly higher proportion of either sub-set over the non-Christians I have encountered.

Then the weather really took a turn for the worse, the wind whipped over the windows, and the rain started to fall on the skylights above us.

Lee continued by drawing a comparison with the Royal Family. He stated that no-one is really “themselves” when they meet the Queen, that we are bound by pretty strict etiquette, that we have to adopt “heirs and graces” before her, but God demands none of that. However, he does demand things. Worship, obedience, accepting certain things, rejecting others. The Queen doesn’t. No-one is made to go and talk to her, and there’s no reprisal if you don’t.
Lee went on to list the vast number of titles that Prince Charles holds, but that his children still know him simply as “dad”. He said that God just wants to know us as our father, and that he created us to be in relationship with him. I don’t understand why anyone would create something just to have a relationship with it. I still don’t understand the initial motivation. What was missing for God that he needed to do that? What did he do before? He made the world and everything in it just so that we could tell him how great it is? Again, this paints a picture of something difficult to love. It just seems hugely narcissistic.

The example was given of how empty society was in modern times, how we were feeling some kind of spiritual deficiency, which he put down to the absence of God. I personally put it down to the huge choices we are given now. I don’t think people in less privileged and less decadent societies feel this kind of emptiness, despite the fact they have it far harder than we do. It’s quite an arrogant argument – it assumes that in the west we are at the apex of civilisation, and that the rest just need to catch up. This ignores that devout non-Christian countries don’t experience this “emptiness” though – it seems that any “meaning” at all on a spiritual level will help people find some kind of peace, which is hardly an endorsement of Christianity on its own. It’s possibly a problem with secular society rather than some dearth of Christianity. If we look at the list of countries by suicide rate (assuming this the ultimate expression of “emptiness”), there is no real correlation between non-Christian countries and suicide. If anything, it’s the other way round – from the top 10 countries by suicide rate, only one is non-Christian (Japan). This is hardly a glowing endorsement of Christianity giving “spiritual fullness”.

In any case, Lee then proceeded to state the “gifts of the spirit”.

Comfort
Counsel and guidance
Peace and patience (an example was given of someone during an operation, being filled with calm when they heard a voice asserting “I am in charge, not the surgeon”).
A healer, emotionally (Ok) and physically (this is going to be covered on later weeks I think but is pretty controversial)
Makes us “Jesus-like”, closer to that “gold standard”
Gives us Joy amongst adversity
Fills us with kindness, goodness, and self-control
Celebrates unity and uniqueness
Gives us “gifts of the spirit” – aptitudes said to come from God that allow us to be helpers, prophets, teachers, leaders, hosts etc

If all of those things were found purely in Christians, I’d be inclined to agree. But this idea of prevenient grace apparently gives us all these gifts without needing to be Christian. Again, very convenient explanation of how a Hindu can be a superb teacher. They’re only good at it because God gave it to them. No credit whatsoever to their own God/s, who are just an unfortunate delusion of course, or to their cultures or their different environments.

The talk ended, the groups formed, and interspersed with the continual insistence that personal experience was somehow relevant in a wider context, everyone spoke and gave their opinions and examples of the little “miracles” that had taken place in their lives. It all sounded very admirable as usual, but in none of the cases gave any reason whatsoever for me to personally suddenly embrace the Christian faith. As I’ve said before, people are always moved to share, but if the keystone of all this is your own “relationship with God”, then other people’s experiences are irrelevant. That may sound harsh, but I am not sneering at them for having the experiences, just pointing out that this is a course designed to introduce people to Christianity. If the vast majority of people there have already in possession of that faith and have a multitude of personal experiences of it, then I totally fail to understand a) why they come along, and b) what relevance their stories have to people who are not Christians. It’s a continuing source of bemusement to me – I do not understand why they are there.

A conversation with Des while no-one else was around at least confirmed I was not the only one feeling this. He mused whether a lot of the attendants were simply there to “make up the numbers”, and pointed to a particular case in his group where there was a question put forward regarding how everyone had found the course so far. This happened around week 6, or certainly late enough in proceedings to be relevant. The three young girls had answered – they were already Christians, and had actually been present at just two of the sessions up to that point, making their contribution basically worthless. He also picked up that things were generally taking the form of a “cosy chat” among Christians punctuated by lots of sage nodding and agreement rather than a really in-depth look punctuated by disagreement and debate, and that “Roy” from week one had ceased attending around week three for exactly that reason. I found from talking to him that he had also come across as being much more strident than he actually felt (like me), purely because of the frustration at having an introductory chat about Christianity surrounded by Christians who are already pre-disposed to agree and who should already know the answers. It’s that sense of being embattled which seems to be a totally negative element of the course. My preconception was that the course would be attended overwhelmingly by people like me. In fact, I am in a minority. I can’t help thinking that not many devout Christians would stick out a 12 week course on atheism, when they were outnumbered by a ratio of at least 3 to 1.

And they broke bread in the merchant’s house, and their appetites were sated…

Lunch was largely uneventful, but very pleasant, and a chance to talk to a variety of people about more mundane things. The stormy weather had abated a little, so I took a wander outside to smoke a cigarette and wondered at the sequence of events that had led me to this place at this time on a weekend. It seemed bizarre. Was this evidence of God’s invisible helpers pushing me in directions, or was it just one of those experiences life throws up, like watching a football match, seeing a show, doing a course by distance learning? I doubted God had anything to do with it, but I was enjoying the meetings and (most of) the people, and besides, there were an intriguing mixture of opinions at times. It’s also taken a great deal of discipline to continue going in the face of various obstacles and frustrations, but I felt it was called a “course” for a reason, and that I should give it my fullest attention, which I certainly have done. I would contest any accusation that I had gone into this with any real preconceptions or a “closed heart”. I certainly didn’t have a closed mind. As I pondered, I’d love to say there was a strange “Godincidence” or uncanny occurrence, but there was nothing. Just a steady stream of cars hissing by on the wet tarmac, a scattering of birds here and there, a grey, washed out sky, perching on a muddy horizon.
I headed back inside.

Session 3: How do we get filled with the Holy Spirit?

Before the speech commenced, I stopped for a chat with one of the female leaders. She asked me the dreaded question of “where I was at”. I answered that I was at the buffet. She laughed unconvincingly and accused me of being dismissive. I replied that I wasn’t but that I just didn’t understand the thrust of the question. She said that it was really to do with the point I was at on my journey. I said that I wasn’t sure I was on one. In turn, she stated that we all were. I think she interpreted my answers as evasion, whereas I saw her question as loaded. Despite this, I said that I couldn’t agree with certain aspects of Christianity, so as far as I was concerned there was no point committing to any of it. You can’t be half a Christian after all. I also mentioned that I found it difficult to relate to people’s experiences – that they were, by and large totally pointless and meant nothing to me. They were personally significant, but I get nothing from hearing about them.

We were called back to sit down, so we did so.
Then, unexpectedly, before Lee started speaking, the same female team leader wanted to say a few words to the group.
She recounted a dream, which basically revolved around her being unprepared for a journey she was going on with friends, and how they wouldn’t help her or lend her any equipment or food or water. She stated that the lesson she took from this was that the journey was not about other people’s experiences, and that we should all get from the course what we wanted, that no-one could do it for us. This seemed prompted by our conversation, but I couldn’t decide if this was a point for me to take on board, or some kind of point meant for the people who kept rattling on about what had happened to them in their own “journeys”. Perhaps both.

Anyway, the talk started. Lee stated that the Holy Spirit was already a part of our lives and that “all creation shouts God’s worth”. He said it was working right now in everybody’s life, that Jesus had fulfilled no less than 588 prophecies from 600-1000 years before he was born. (Incidentally, I have found no evidence for anyone having said this, at least on the internet. I have no idea where this came from.)
God works in Jesus, and works in practical ways. The Holy Spirit “makes real what is true”, making that association clear between “real” and “true” which probably helps people accept it as a real person.
He recapped the ways that the Holy Spirit manifested – the “tongues of fire”, the “oil” imagery, the “water” and the powerful wind.
The recipe for receiving this was only three things. Repent (revolve from a position of “without God” to a position “with God”).
Believe.
And be Baptised.

Lee spoke of the “placing of hands” being key, of the Holy Spirit being “poured out” over Gentiles.
He said it happened at different times, with different people in different places, finding that connection with the Holy Spirit.
He said he’d been praying for all of us.

I braced myself.
Here it comes”, I thought, “I’m going to have to leave the room if the “talking in tongues” thing gets wheeled out”.

But nothing of the sort happened.
In the end, he said that if you could overcome doubt, fear and feelings of inadequacy, you could receive the Holy Spirit. And faith overcame all three.
That circular argument again.

Then, the "practical". He stated that he was going to be available to pray for people, as would the female leader. I looked around and there was a kind of nervous jocularity between myself, “Des” and the lady from week 5 that had agreed with some of my points – the “waverer”.
I stated that I didn’t see the point. I meant that from a Christian and an atheistic viewpoint. There’s no point to prayer as a Christian, as God’s plan is already laid out. There’s no point to prayer as a non-believer as who would you be praying to?
As things panned out, I decided I would take the plunge. I told the female leader that I’d be receptive to being prayed for. It would have been the action of a charlatan to not entertain the idea. After all I’d been through, I think to turn away at this point would have been fear, or just discomfort, or superstition. If God was out there, let’s give him a chance to make himself felt.

We moved away, and the female leader placed her hand on my shoulder and started speaking. I closed my eyes and listened, and tried to see if I could feel anything. Anything at all. In truth, there was a slight nervousness involved. The circumstances were totally alien to me. I tried to relax and clear my thoughts and see if anything would be forthcoming.
Then we swapped and I prayed silently for a bit. A kind of self-conscious dialogue, not that much different to talking into a room with no lights on and seeing if anyone’s in there.

Nothing at all happened. I felt a bit more relaxed afterwards, but I suspect that was relief more than anything to do with God.
I looked around and everyone had tried it, or been involved in some way bar Des, who was resolutely not buying it.
I admired him for the strength of his resolve but couldn’t help feeling he undermined himself a little by not opening himself up to at least trying it. It's the root of why I went - to give it a chance, see if it worked, if there was anything there, if it could answer my issues. As it turned out, it hasn't really, but if I'd been struck by lightning or the spiritual equivalent then I'd be forced to reconsider my whole take on things.

The day duly wound down and we went our separate ways.
The best day so far on many levels, the keystone message duly delivered, a vol-au-vent of prayer digested. Nothing whatsoever has happened in the interim to suggest it worked in any way, though I'm sure a Christian would say I'm just not looking hard enough.

I’d give the “day away” an 8 out of 10.

Friday, 13 November 2009

Alpha Course - Day Seven

Alpha Week 7 – and the thorny (or perhaps horny?) issue of evil was on the agenda. Perhaps fittingly I’m writing this on Friday the 13th…

This was without doubt the standout week so far, and there was a proper debate that took place which directly tackled the questions head-on. Moreover, the Jesus Team actually provided some coherent and interesting answers, ones that I hadn’t considered, and that didn’t strike me as exercises in simply sidestepping inconveniences. I had a suspicion that this would be an engaging talk from the moment I found out it was to be covered (roughly 20 minutes before the start).
It wasn’t totally clear what the topic would be this week – the “day away” was always loosely directed toward the topic of the Holy Spirit, but I wasn’t sure how this would affect the ordinary weekly schedule as detailed in the book.

So, unarmed to an extent, I walked into the valley of death (well, Costa) being unable to really do much spade work and preparation this week, something which normally would put me on edge. Luckily, however, with something as universal as evil, even a biblical layman can have an opinion. Everyone, from the evolutionary scientist to the archbishop to the small child, knows what evil is, how it is manifested, and that it can (and sometimes will) occur. Everyone is in agreement that it’s “bad”. It’s a concept that resonates with all human beings, and as such, it’s a good place for Christians to start in many ways. In logical terms, you can extrapolate an entire argument for God from the existence of evil. I found myself wondering why this wasn’t a more common approach – perhaps because Christianity would find itself open to accusations of “scaremongering” I suppose, or perhaps the idea of “evil” has a medieval connotation, and in a society where the ammunition being fired at the faith is essentially scientific, there’s not much use chucking up the spectre of the devil which conjures images of hay-chewing farmhands superstitiously cowering behind bibles.

The devil is also pretty cartoonish, almost rendered "lovable". He’s all over the place in his red skinned, horned, fork-wielding form. Despite cropping up in odd places - from cuddly toys to stickers to music videos – however, he retains a power to frighten when presented as per the intention of the bible, and in some odd way is more tangible than God. It’s just a perception I have, but people are less likely to deny the existence of the devil (for superstitious fear of tempting some kind of catastrophe) than they are to deny God (who pretty rarely strikes people with lightning - these days at least).
So, with the stall laid out, the speech began. Lee gave a synopsis of evil, pointing out the literary emphasis on the “battle” between good and evil (CS Lewis and his much quoted “Screwtape Letters” and a comparison with Tolkein’s “Lord of the Rings”) and the historical recurrence of the theme. He then broke down the aims of this week into 5 points.

Why should we believe in the Devil?

We should “accept the battle”, drawing a comparison with the temptation even of Christ himself. Lee went on to say that the biggest rationales for this belief in the devil are church history (agreed, but a flawed argument) and “common sense” (which cause some raised eyebrows).

What tactics does the devil use?

This was a very well delivered part of the speech. The tactics that the devil apparently employs are doubts, temptation and ‘denying the penalty’. This really is a fascinating tautology. It’s genuinely amusing, a kind of joyfully perverse logic – the idea that doubting the existence of the devil is a sign that he actually exists. It’s these kind of semantic, theological devices that can only come about from the concerted efforts of 2000 years of very clever people pondering them. That in itself, as an argument, is a thing of beauty, but I can’t help allowing myself a smile at the sneakiness of it all.
There was a further investigation into these methods. Doubt was said to be embodied in the story of Adam and Eve, in the way that the serpent, a personification of the devil, introduced doubt into the minds and hearts of Adam and Eve. Notwithstanding the dubious decision to leave a tree in the garden with a cursed apple hanging off it, that introduction of doubt was pivotal to the story. To paraphrase the serpent: “Did God really say that you can’t eat that apple….”!
Temptation was said to leave humans with the suspicion that the negatives were exaggerated, another interesting comment, with the implication that those self-justification of our transgressions - “it’s not that bad”, “doesn’t matter” or “one can’t hurt” – are actually signs of the devil at work.
Denying the penalties – said to be quite similar to the idea of temptation, that we delude ourselves that there are no penalties or that they are not that bad. The penalties themselves are all on a familiar theme – that of the much repeated “relationship with God” being broken (Adam and Eve ‘hiding’ from God), our internal relationship being broken (guilt), our relationship with others being strained or broken and our relationship with “Creation” also being broken in turn (the idea that we are out of sync with the natural harmonies of nature – that the legacy of Adam and Eve is childbirth pain and having to work the fields).

The Christian position on evil.

Pretty straightforward – that there’s a constant battle between the “dominion of darkness” and the “kingdom of light”.

What can we use to defend ourselves against evil?

A lot of stuff about the “armour of God” here, which is detailed by Paul in the bible. I won’t repeat it here, but it can be read in this passage which is pretty self-explanatory.

Confronting evil.

The tool kit for this was predictably prayer, accepting we all have the “darkness within”, honesty (to be honest with God, even though he knows everything anyway), and action (staying away from ‘bad things’). Straightforward enough if you think about it from a Christian viewpoint.

It’s worth mentioning that there was an interesting African dimension to this week’s session. Before things started, I spoke to Lee and he made a very salient point that African perceptions of evil are more spiritual in nature as opposed to those in Northern Europe. The spectre of the “witch doctor” was still very real in African society and culture, and there was an emphasis on the spiritual battle between the devil and God as a result. The British perception was possibly less organic and more functional – ideas of possession, demons and exorcisms are restricted to the parts of the media deemed more “fanciful” rather than being everyday facts of life. Lee, “Thomas” (a recurring presence since week 1), and “Eric” (also a face from week 1) were all of African origin and with Eric’s friend in attendance (who, at the risk of being presumptuous was also African), it made nearly half of the members of the subsequent discussion group from that continent.

So the group formed, but not before a particularly loaded aside from “Thomas”, who said the following:

“Since everyone wants to hear your opinion, why not just take your own group today?”

I took this as a complimentary insult, if there is such a thing. If I’ve moved a Christian to object to me, then I must be presenting difficult questions. I don’t think I overly monopolised things, and it’s still something I am very wary of. So in that sense, I was on some levels surprised and pleased that he said this. On another level it was obviously a trifle irritating as despite my best efforts, that perception of dominating events was coming across, albeit to one person. To be fair, he dressed it as a joke or a quip, it wasn’t said with any real venom, but for a moment, I basked in the moral high ground.

The group kicked off with a rather confusing assertion that the devil caused cancer. The implication was that somehow medical conditions were linked to evil, and that sin created cancer. I dared not extrapolate that only sinners get cancer, as the assertion was made by someone whose father had suffered from it, although I had heard from reliable sources that certain Baptist churches considered depression as a defect of the spirit, and that only prayer could overcome it. I didn’t bring this up either, as there was clearly meant to be a demarcation between these bad things being caused by the devil, and the seemingly random way in which they were distributed.
“Des” seemed particularly confrontational this week, and he went on something of a controlled offensive against Lee as the discussion took a slight digression toward evolution/creationism. I had already ascertained that Lee was a conditional creationist (a believer in “limited evolution), and they embarked on quite a heated exchange where Des tried to nail Lee down as to what he actually believed. They seemed to reach some sort of compromise – I wasn’t moved to interject as this was one area in which I find the rabid evolutionists and the rabid creationists just as boring as one another.

One thing I struggled with was the idea of “doubt” being a tool of the devil. This could only lead to fundamentalism and the kind of inflexibility I find rather galling. I’ve said before that I think doubt is a good thing – it’s a motivator to find out more, to question, to improve, to strive to understand. Certainties in anything, especially where most of the supporting evidence is faith, are really an unattractive proposition.
Something which I found really unsatisfying in retrospect was the idea that the devil and evil was not necessary. I asked who in the room was certain in their faith, and several agreed that they were. I then asked what that certainty would be without doubt. The conclusion was that not all doubt was bad or negative, just in very specific instances relating to God.
I asked whether evil was necessary. Eric went to some lengths to suggest that it wasn’t – he said that children have no perception of evil, and that they generally see everyone as friendly (I’m not sure that this is true, but I went with it), so the suggestion was that we would all be as children without evil.
This took us in a circuitous route as to what sequence of events brought evil about.
This was the key to the entire session as far as I was concerned. Slowly and eloquently, Eric explained the belief is that Lucifer made the decision (as angels also had free will) to reject God, and that this defined his path and started the heralded “war” between heaven and hell. A slightly difficult point to grasp, but the inference is that the devil (or angel as he was then) created disobedience and sin by rejecting God, creating a splinter group (in a political analogy) which then formed the “Opposition”. This was a lightbulb moment for me, but in its way only raised further questions. Surely the “original sin” then was the devil’s, not Adam and Eve’s? Surely God created an imperfect angel here? Did he not know this would happen? It all strikes me as someone playing monopoly on their own, and then being annoyed at the dice rolls, even though they’re going to win inevitably anyway, and that they have a complete list of what all the dice results would be. Moreover, is it not true then that the devil, and not God, created disobedience, if there was no concept of it beforehand? And if so, then God is not the only one with the power of creation, which raises all kinds of questions in turn. If angels can also create things, why not just worship them? What else can create things? Does this mean that the “7 days” of creation might have included a whole lot of sub-contracted work to other agencies with the same powers? As amusing as the idea of an outsourced creation is, from bitter experience, there's no way it would hit the "7 days" deadline.

Then a trademark comedic interjection. Lee, making a point about God, in the midsts of expressing his opinion, deliberately touched me on the shoulder to illustrate something. The way he did it inferred that I was in fact God, which caused much ironic laughter. I proclaimed it was about time they all realised it too….

There was then a comment, much repeated as an example, of the “hot cooker” and how you can tell your children not to touch it many times over, but sooner or later they need to learn that it’s hot. I can’t remember the exact context, but it’s not hard to surmise that it was related to “free will”. I couldn’t help thinking at the time that this was all fine, but that I wouldn’t shut my kids alone in a kitchen with a hot cooker then act surprised when they burnt their hands, no matter how many times I’d told them not to touch it. Your first instinct as a “parent” must surely be your children’s welfare, not to give them curses for eternity to teach them some kind of spurious lesson. This too, from the embodiment of “love”. It just doesn’t sit right on any level.

The session curtailed in usual style – just as it was starting to get going. All in all, the best week so far, with an 8. Lots of questions, but for once a few logical answers, albeit in a theological framework based on faith.
This gives an interesting springboard into Saturday’s “away day”. I am actually looking forward to it, especially as some of the irritants seem to be non-attenders, and Des (a kindred spirit in the sceptic’s corner) has said he’ll attend. Should be fun. It feels like Alpha is finally getting into the meaty bits.